Thank You for Choosing Walmart (Part Two)....

So, my dear followers, there's good news and bad news.  The bad news is that I have been slacking.  The good news is that I have FANS!!  Apparently, I have at least three whole people who have been trembling with anticipation for me to finish Part Two my Walmart series.  Well, maybe they aren't "trembling," but they did ask about it.  With a special dedication to Jeromy, Stacy, and Tina, may I present:

PART TWO:  THE CUSTOMER

I am sure that many of you are familiar with the website, The People of Walmart that highlights the often outrageous appearances of those who shop at the popular discount store.  However, the creatures that shop at Walmart, are not just aesthetically ridiculous.  Most of them meander through the aisles, usually with a chip on their shoulders, waiting to run into a jaded associate.  It's not a pretty sight.  And since the last thing that an Associate wants to do is to actually help someone, it makes for an interesting (and sometimes violent) interaction.  In order to help you understand the dynamic, let me describe a few of the key types of customers, who shop at Walmart.

The Tattletale:  These are customers who like to go to management for every little thing.  I have had quite a few issues with Tattletales.  The most memorable, occurred when I worked in Ladies Wear.  A particularly annoying customer asked me where the Fitting Room was.  I pointed behind me and said, "It's underneath that big red sign that says, "Fitting Room."  She told my Store Manager that I had an "attitude."  I told him I was just telling the truth.

The Cliche:  These are usually cheerful customers, who truly believe that they are the only ones who have ever shopped at a Walmart.  Surprisingly, while friendly, they are the most annoying of Walmart customers.  Cashiers usually have to deal with this type.  They are the people who remark, "Slow day, huh?" after waiting in a line of 25 people.  They also inevitably ask, "Is is hot enough for ya?" which makes it quite difficult to not respond, "I wouldn't know, because I am STUCK inside this God-forsaken store, while YOU frolick in the sunshine all day and throw it in my face."  Perhaps this group is at it's best, when given their total for their merchandise.  Whether their total is even ($15.00 on the dot) OR repetitive ($8.88) OR famous ($17.76), they will ALWAYS excitedly exclaim, "I bet that's the first time that's EVER happened!!"  Actually, I have been working here for five years, and have rung up millions of transactions.  It's happened twelve times.  TODAY.  You aren't that special.

The Passive Aggressive:  This one makes me angry, just writing about it.  These customers refuse to "ask" for help.  They want the Associate to come to them.  This customer is the man who stands in the shampoo aisle, while I stock shelves two feet away, and says a series of statements to himself.
"I wonder where the Head & Shoulders is."
"It was in this aisle the last time I was here."
"I wish I could find it."
"I think it has a blue lid."
Nope, sorry, Dude.  If you can't look me in the face and acknowlege my existance, you can find your own shampoo.

The Criminal:  I'm not talking about shoplifters.  All stores have those.  I am talking about the teenager who brings in a three year old broken stereo, expecting to exchange it for a newer model.  I am talking about the man who brings in an electric razor filled with hair and says it never worked.  And most of all, I am talking about the woman who brings in a half full gallon of paint, that only Lowe's sells, and requests that her refund be given in cash.  The worst part, is that most of the time, a Manager will give them what they want.  The only difference between these people and shoplifters is that sometimes shoplifters are arrested.

The Needs a Friend:  These customers share too much.  They come to Walmart because they need someone to talk to.  True Story:  I was working as a Cashier on my holiday break from college, when a man came through my register, buying one big Rubbermaid container.  "This is for my son," he said, wanting to chat.  I took the bait.  "Oh, is he in college?"
"No, he's in jail.  He went to college and got hooked on drugs.  He shot his girlfriend a few weeks ago."
"Oh.  Here's your receipt.  Have a Merry Christmas!!"
Blogger's Note:  Never EVER take the bait!!


The Angry Mom:  Anyone that has ever worked at Walmart will tell you that people bring their children to Walmart to beat them in public.  Walmart is full of screaming kids and angry parents.  Once I saw a woman shreik to her crying child, "STOP IT! STOP IT! YOU ARE MAKING ME LOOK LIKE AN IDIOT!!"  Um, no, Lady... you're doing that all on your own.

If you are in danger of becoming one of these customers (or already are), let me give you a few guidelines that will help you improve your Customer/Associate relations.  These are things I wish I could post on the door, for people to read, before entering the store.

1.  If you need to use the restroom, please use the designated areas that are clearly marked, RESTROOM.  My brother (also a former Walmart Associate) has had to clean up fecal matter that was found in the CD aisle.  I met my husband while mopping up urine in the Cosmetics Department.  For those of you who are potty trained, keep in mind that if the store smells like a toilet, there's probably a reason for that.  I suggest always wearing closed toe shoes, while shopping.

2.  Pay attention to the Associate who answers the phone.  She greets you and then asks a very specific question, "How may I direct your call?"  This means, "In what department is the item, in which you are inquiring, located?"  Contrary to popular belief, there is not a "Big Book of All Things Walmart," sitting next to the phone.  So, when you call and ask the Phone Associate, "Hi, how much is an 8oz bottle of Elmer's Glue?" please understand that she cannot give you an answer.  She can, however, direct you to the Stationery Department.

3.  Walmart is not Santa's Workshop.  We are not little elves in blue vests who make every item in the store.  Don't ask me how an electric razor works.  I did not make it.  I am not working for the manufacturer.  I am the person who gets paid minimum wage to unlock the razor case and hand you an electric razor, so that you may read the box.  And no, you cannot open and try it out.  That's gross.

4.  Please know what you want and what it's called, before you enter the store.  Do not tell me, "I'm looking for a lotion in a white bottle, that has a pump," because you have just described 85% of the lotion aisle.  I do not have time for this.

5.  I work at WALMART.  I am not a TV Repairman.  I am not a doctor.  And I am not a babysitter.  I don't know why your television doesn't have sound.  I do not know what will work for your painful bunions, and I will not watch your baby while you try on a dress.  The qualification that landed me this job was my availability to work on Saturday nights.  Please treat me accordingly.  I also do not work at Home Depot, so don't ask me when they close, or how much they charge for refrigerator installation.

I haven't even begun to scratch the surface, when it comes to the time I spent working at Walmart.  But I think you get the point... for now.  Perhaps I will blog again one day about the wild, wonderful world of Walmart.  I could go on for days about the parking lot alone.  To conclude this series, however, I would like to share my all time favorite Walmart story, ever.

In the Toy Department, there is a tall "cage" that houses the giant bouncy balls.  When a customer wants a specific color, it means that an Associate has to be paged, so that a ladder can be used to reach whichever one the customer need.  I was working diligently one day, when an announcement came across the Walmart speaker system, made by a Cashier, who should have chosen her words more carefully:

"Attention Associates, I have a customer by the balls in Toys, who is in need of assistance."

I bet he was.

If It Ain't Broke...

In today's economy, a lot of things are broken.  He's broke.  She's broke.  We're broke.

Being "broke" myself, I get very offended when people claim to be broke who aren't.  I mean, really, it's not like it's a status we all strive to be, so give yourself more credit.  Lord knows I don't have any to give you. *BA-DUM-BUMP-CHH*  : )

When our boys started their medical treatments, we wiped out our savings and credit cards and went to one income.  We are the definition of "broke."  We have nothing to pull from.  We have no back-ups.  If our checkbook shows $3.87 the day before payday, then all the money that we have access to in the world is $3.87.  So, if you tell me, "We went to the movies and didn't even buy popcorn, because we're so broke.  We even had to decrease the amount of money we're putting into the kids' college funds,"  I will probably punch you in the face.  In an effort to weed out the fakers, I feel it is my duty to clarify what it really means to be poor. 

And these are not made up to be funny, these are true stories of life in the trenches of the lower-middle class. 

To the tune of Jeff Foxworthy's "You might be a redneck," here are my qualifications of being broke:


If you sit down to do the monthly bills and make three piles:  "Pay Now," "Pay Next Month," and "Must've Gotten Lost in the Mail"....
                                            you might be broke!


If you consider "Date Due" as the date that you know they send the shut off notice....
                                           you might be broke!


If you know how to siphon gas....
                                           you might be broke!

If you can't remember the last item of clothing that you bought that wasn't purchased on ebay or at a yard sale...
                                           you might be broke!


If your child receives a check from a relative for his birthday and you tell him his present is keeping Cable for another month...
                                         you might be broke!


If you've ever held a yard sale in January...
                                         you might be broke!

If you have ever needed gas in your car and looked around your house for something to sell on Craigslist....
                                        you might be broke!

If your strongest investment is the $1.00 you spend on a Powerball ticket each week...
                                        you might be broke!

If you've ever been tempted to cash in your child's Savings Bonds, fifteen years early...
                                        you might be broke!

If you use hospital stays as an opportunity to stock up on bandages, thermometers, and baby wipes...
                                        you might be broke!

If you can make an entire meal out of four slices of bread, and a little bit of butter...
                                        you might be broke!

If an appliance in your home breaks, and you head out to a yard sale with $1.50 in your pocket and a heart full of hope...
                                        you might be broke!


Most of you who read my blog probably have money and find no amusement in this whatsoever.  But believe me when I tell you that while each one of these statements are true, I giggled as I wrote each one.  And I am sure that those of you who know what it's like to struggle will laugh as hard as I did.  Poor people are happy people, because we appreciate the little things and are proud of what we have.  Don't feel sorry for us.  We live with the hope that things will get better.  We know how to fend for ourselves and we know what to do to take care of our children.  We do what we have to, to survive.  And one thing I can tell you, it certainly makes life interesting.