I hear these words at least one hundred times a day. They are usually preceded by a four syllable version of "Mom," followed by either tears or an act of violence.
"Mo-oo-oo-om!! I had it first!"
I hate these words.
The best part is that the "it" in question is usually nothing of importance. I've seen my kids come to blows over a piece of aluminum foil that one of them got out of the trash. True story.
I make an effort to teach the boys that it does not matter who had it first, what matters is how they resolve the conflict. After all, more often than not once one stops showing an interest, the other does too. In my house, I do not care who "had it first." I have one rule: No fighting. Period. If an argument occurs, the toy gets taken from both boys. Unless, of course, one boy gets injured. In that case, the injured party gets the toy and the injure-er gets the corner.
I wish more parents did this. Unfortunately, the emphasis most parents put on such trivialities tend to perpetuate the aggression, causing a vicious cycle. Many parents feel that who had it first is not only vital information, but an easy solution to any disagreement.
EXAMPLE (as witnessed by me, at a recent gathering):
We'll call the children "A" and "B" to protect the guilty.
A takes a toy from B.
B slugs A in the stomach, very hard.
A crumples to the floor in tears.
"Mom": "What happened?"
A: "B punched me in the stomach!"
B: "Because A took my toy!"
His mothers response?
"Who had it first?"
After deciding that if A hadn't taken B's toy, he'd have never punched his brother in the stomach, "Mom" hands the toy to B, steps over A (still laying on the floor, probably suffering from internal injuries) and walks away, pleased that the fight is over for now.
At that point, I wanted to slug their mother in the stomach.
These are the same people who, as adults, can be overheard saying, "Did you see how she decorated her porch with hanging geraniums? She knew I hung my geraniums first!"
Ugh.
As for myself, I will continue to teach my boys that who had it first is not important. Sharing is important. Wanting another person to be happy is important. Not causing your brother to have a concussion over a Trick or Treat pumpkin in March is important. I am a person who just doesn't care. I allow someone to cut in front of me in line at the grocery store if they have two items and I have a full cart. When they ask, I don't say, "Well, I'd like to help, but I had this place in line first."
I hope that one day my children will understand these lessons and philosophies that I am trying to teach them. I hope that they will have respect for others. I hope that they will never use violence to retaliate against another. I hope that they will learn to not covet what others have in the first place. And I hope above all, that they begin to understand that having something first is not all it's cracked up to be.
Of course, when they are older, I will have to explain that there are exceptions to every rule and that yes, every once in awhile, it should matter who had it first. Just ask the American Indians.
