Based on my own parents, I always viewed parenthood as primarily a position of authority. I always knew that I wanted children. Anyone who knows me will tell you that I am a bossy control freak. Naturally, motherhood would be a perfect fit. I imagined having a tribe of miniature Annas, who would share my balance of liberalism and Catholicism, love Motown, and have "Gone With the Wind" memorized by the age of five.
Boy, was I wrong.
There has never been a greater feeling, of loss of control, than in parenthood. It starts from the beginning. There is no planning in parenthood. My husband and I wanted to wait two years after getting married to have a baby. I saw a plus sign on a stick, five months after the wedding. During my first trimester, I wanted to eat a strict diet of fruits and vegetables, only to find out that everything except Taco Bell made me vomit. And then there's "The Birth Plan." To this day, Michael and I giggle every time we hear a first timer talk about her Birth Plan. Let me share with you my idea of a realistic Birth Plan:
1. Get drugs
2. Sleep and/or cry
3. Get more drugs
4. Get the baby out as quickly as possible
There was nothing to prepare me for how much labor hurts. If my husband would have even mentioned an Enya CD or a focal point, I would have kicked him in the face. I was thrilled when I found out that my second child would be a scheduled c-section. "Finally," I thought, "I can be in charge of my delivery." Then my water broke five weeks early. And the plans we had for pre-conception college funds for our kids??
HAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!!!!
As children grow, the lack of control exhibited is more of an annoyance than anything. I loved "The Muppet Movie," as a child. Before my children were born, I planned on showing it to them one day, because I knew they would love it and we'd have a "moment." A few months ago, I sat the boys down and began the first official viewing of "The Muppet Movie." Fifteen minutes in, they lost interest, stopped watching, and went to their playroom, leaving me alone with Kermit and the gang. I resisted the urge to duct tape them to the couch and shout, "You WILL watch this with me! It's FUNNY! We're having FUN!"
One of the biggest surprises of parenthood is the ability to love someone so much. It's different than any other kind of love. Sure, I love my husband, but I'd have to think about it before I'd jump in front of a truck for him. (I mean, who would take care of the kids??) For my sons, I'd jump in front of a truck to prevent them from getting a paper cut. That kind of love is a scary, scary thing.
As hard as it is, I can handle the boys not sharing my love of all things Muppet and I can cope with the fact that I gave birth to boys, who will probably never play Barbies with me. Those are little things. But the feeling of helplessness that sometimes occurs as a result of no control is downright painful. As a bossy, control freak, I was not ready at all for the true trenches of parenthood. Labor was nothing compared to watching doctors repeatedly stick your toddler, searching for a vein, while he tearfully begs you to make them stop. Waking up to your water breaking before your planned delivery date is much better than your baby waking from a nap with a diaper filled with blood. College funds are the least of your worries when you are scrambling to put together enough money to prepay your copay, so your child can have a surgery that he needs. Watching children refuse to play with your son, because he's "too little" makes you want to duct tape the little brats to the floor and MAKE them be his friends.
Everything in parenthood is out of your control. You will never be prepared. You will always be surprised. Honestly, that's what makes being a parent so wonderful. There is no way to ever maintain control, so you just do the best that that you can. And sometimes, that means that as everything around you spins in a million different directions, you just hang on... and try to not get dizzy.
